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The future has changed shape
I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I want my life to look like now.
There are practical questions: what can I manage, what could I study, what kind of work might fit, and how do I make changes while still paying bills and looking after the dogs?
Underneath those questions is a less practical one. What do I do with the difference between the life I expected and the life I am actually living?
That difference deserves a bit of attention before I rush into another plan.
Familiar independence matters
I have done different kinds of work, including hands-on jobs and driving. I know the satisfaction of being able to get on with something, do a useful job and feel capable.
It is difficult when health changes what seems possible. That affects more than a list of activities. It also changes the choices available, the money coming in and the confidence involved in making a commitment.
I want independence and freedom. I want days with variety and something interesting to do. I want to build a future that feels like mine.
Those wants have not vanished. Working out how to meet them is more complicated now.
I don’t want to rush past the loss
It is easy to reach straight for a positive conclusion: perhaps this is the chance to start again, perhaps something wonderful will come of it, perhaps a new direction will make everything worthwhile.
There are new directions I am interested in. But I do not want to make them responsible for proving that everything which happened was somehow a good thing.
I can be pleased to discover something new and still wish parts of life had been easier. I can look forward while missing something familiar. I do not think I need to settle that tension before I am allowed to carry on.
Some days I want to make plans. Some days the frustration needs room first. If putting unfinished ideas on paper suits you, Oxford Campus pastel A4 lined notebooks (Ad) are one simple option.
Starting with the actual circumstances
The future I build has to fit the circumstances I have: my health, money, home and responsibilities. It cannot depend on a version of me who never gets uncomfortable or needs to change a plan.
That does not make every ambition unrealistic. It does mean I have to think carefully about the route.
The degree, the creative learning and the exploration of different kinds of income are all attempts to find that route. They are things I am trying, rather than evidence that I have solved the entire problem.
I want to make space for new possibilities without pretending there was no loss along the way.
For now, that means recognising both: the life I miss, and the life I am still interested in making.
I’m sharing my own experience. This blog is not medical advice.